7 Glorious Ways to make your Teen listen to you
Do you sometimes feel like your teen has an on/off switch when it comes to listening to you? You try your best to explain a situation or problem to them, but they’re only interested when they feel like it’s important to them or when they want something?
The teen years are tough, but you as a parent can help ease the tough times by making your child feel like their feelings matter. What can you do to get your teen to listen to you?
1. Practice Active Listening
- Repeat, mirror: What is said is repeated more or less verbatim or individual key words that seem important are emphasized and repeated.
- Summarizing, paraphrasing: Summarizing what was said in your own words.
- Questions: Encourage them to keep talking by saying, “Tell me more…” or “Continue…”
- Assume feelings: We address which feelings we perceive or suspect in our conversation partner. (Possibility form!) e.g. ‘I can imagine that you were very scared at that moment.’
- Assume needs: We address what needs we perceive or suspect in our conversation partner. (Possibility form!) e.g. ‘Could it be that you would have wished for more support from him?’
2. Use “I” Messages Instead of “You” Messages
“You” messages focus on what the other person has done or should do, while “I” messages focus on how the speaker feels. Here are some examples:
Instead of a “You” Message (“You should stop using your phone so much.”), use this “I” Message: “I feel worried when I see you using your phone while you still have homework to complete.”
Instead of a “You” Message (“You are so rude.”), use this “I” Message: “I feel disrespected when you talk to me like that.”
3. Focus on Specific Behaviors
Avoid general statements like:
- “You don’t manage your time well.”
- “Why do you always bully your brother?”
- “You never turn in your homework on time.”
Instead, address specific actions:
- “I noticed you were on the phone for four hours this afternoon.”
- “Last night I saw you slap your brother.”
- “This month, I received three emails from your teachers about missing homework.”
- “Yesterday, I heard you raise your voice at your grandmother.”
4. Avoid Using “You Always…” and “You Never…”
These phrases are rarely accurate and often make teens defensive. Focus on the present situation rather than making blanket statements.
5. Avoid Threatening Your Teen
Although it may be tempting to issue threats when frustrated, this can damage your relationship over time and make your words less effective. Instead, focus on setting clear expectations and consequences.
6. Offer Choices Whenever Possible
Giving your teen options helps them feel a sense of control and autonomy. Some examples include:
- “Do the task today or tomorrow.”
- “Work on it for 10 minutes daily or one hour weekly.”
- “Use method A, B, or C to complete it.”
- “Choose between task A this week or task B next week.”
7. Show Empathy
Teens often respond with objections like:
- “But I’m busy now…”
- “But that’s so unfair…”
- “But my friends don’t have to do that…”
Instead of dismissing their concerns, show empathy by acknowledging their feelings first:
- “I understand you’re busy, and I appreciate that. Let’s figure out a good time to work on this.”
- “I see why you think it’s unfair, but let’s talk about why this rule exists.”
- “I get that your friends have different rules, but every family is different.”
Conclusion: Supporting Your Teen’s Mental Health goes a long way
Communication with your teen can be challenging but understanding their perspective will make them listen better and, at the same time, improve their confidence and mental health.
To further assist you in fostering a supportive environment for your teen, try this free resource: the DIY Coaching Kit. A one-hour video that provides proven coaching strategies and insights into parent-child dynamics, empowering you to support your child’s mental health effectively. By applying these strategies, you can enhance your relationship with your teen and act as a supportive guide in their journey.
While these strategies can be beneficial, they do not replace professional medical advice. Consult a healthcare professional if needed.
P.S.: Hope that helped! 😊 By the way, I’ve compiled these mental health and other academic strategies in easy-to-access online courses tailored for schools and students transitioning into higher education! Give them a try!
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